And now we’re here…
For the past few months, I’ve been hiding a secret from my loved ones until I had a serious meltdown back in January that ended up with me having several anxiety attacks then later on stuffing my face in a plate of comfort food that was brought to me by my amazing sistafriend, Eden.
PPD aka Postpartum Depression. Yes, I had that. And yes, I’m going to talk about it.
What is PPD? It’s a mood disorder following childbirth with both depression and anxiety. You’ll experience mood swings, anger, thoughts of suicide, lots of crying, sleep problems, etc.
What does it feel like? It feels scary and uncontrolled. It feels like no one understands you. It just feels bad.
It’s been going on since October. I had been fighting it and fighting it. But I lost last month, which gave me the courage to talk about it openly. My way of dealing with depression is to work it away. Just like Solange’s Cranes In The Sky, I tried to work it away. I tried to sex it away. I tried to dance it away. Shop it away. IT DID NOT WORK.
As a mother, suffering from PPD is the last thing you want. No mother wants to feel like you’re undeserving of your child. That’s how I felt. I felt like I didn’t deserve my family. I felt like scum obtained from the worst part of a NY Subway station. It wasn’t until I went through my breakdown then discussing it with the people I initially shut out, that I started to feel better.
For moms that are going through it now, it gets better. My advice is to talk to someone. Its not fully understood why it happens to some women and not others. But it’s very treatable. Seek help as quickly as possible. If you have a partner, get him or her involved. It’s easy to shut people out. That’s not something I suggest. Those who genuinely want to be there will be there. Let them into your world of PPD and talk about it with them. They need to know what’s going on.
Last but not least, don’t blame yourself. Accept that you have PPD. Do not hate yourself. Accept your feelings. Practice self care as often as possible. Understand that you’re going to heal and that it often takes time. Avoid negative people and negative situations.